6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
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Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
God, I love Scotland
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.