6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
You Might Also Like
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.