grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Bro what is this
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.