66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
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Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”