@stats_canada

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

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@TheWeirdWorld

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

@squirrel74wkgn

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

@Green_EyedMama

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

@ArfMeasures

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

@Lmao

What I said: I forgot my book. What the teacher heard: I hate school, I hate you & I don’t want to make something out of my life.

@realHamOnWry

Not to brag, but my cooking is the reason my girlfriend became a Vegan.

@Brettagher

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

@bacon_gillepic

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

@dbgindy

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉