I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
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Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?