ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
You Might Also Like
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Oops I deleted….
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.