@ShanaRose21

69 is the kamikaze of sex. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.

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@steeve_again

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

@Aikiwomannc

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

@DaddyJew

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

@HomeWithPeanut

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

@DrawingShadows

Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?

@3sunzzz

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

@QwertyJones3

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.