I compared thee to a summer’s day because I hate summer.
69 is the kamikaze of sex. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.
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At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!
[Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.