69 is the kamikaze of sex. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.

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Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?


Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.


If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae


[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]


When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.


Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?


If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.


Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.