6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
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[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Breaking news:
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Every damn time
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.