6am: Too tired

8am: This isn’t so bad

1pm: OMG so tired

5pm: zombie

8pm: Dead


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Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old


If I could time travel I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.


I only buy the essentials on Amazon.

*Opens new Night Vision Goggle Kit*


[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired


There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.

Guess which one you’ll end up with


The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.


We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.


I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.


Not sure which is worse, the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch saying he doesn’t want ugly people wearing his clothes or that people still wear A&F