@SufficientCharm

6am: Too tired

8am: This isn’t so bad

1pm: OMG so tired

5pm: zombie

8pm: Dead

10pm: LETS SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL & OVERTHINK FOR HOURS

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@Sickayduh

Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old

@metafroth

If I could time travel I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

@CantWaitToNap

I only buy the essentials on Amazon.

*Opens new Night Vision Goggle Kit*

@hellohappy_time

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

@dugglebutt

There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.

Guess which one you’ll end up with

@KenJennings

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

@ojedge

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

@RocketRankoon

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

@aguywithnolife

Not sure which is worse, the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch saying he doesn’t want ugly people wearing his clothes or that people still wear A&F