Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
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‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
the three branches of government
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Children of the corn 🌽
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.