Me: A cool person followed me I better step up my tweets.
5 mins later: Can you die from eating the sticker off an apple?
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
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Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Me: I don’t really.
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.
1) Print out all your favstar trophies and fold them so they are 2D
2) Put them on your mantle
3) Invite dad over
4) Become favorite son
We’d love to offer you the job
[My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250? tweet!
ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won’t be needing to work anymore
FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.
[my cell phone rings]
ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening
He told me I was the “bee’s knees”.
I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur’s femur.
Who doesn’t love Zoboomafoo?