@frogbunnie

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

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@McClaneJohn2

Me: A cool person followed me I better step up my tweets.

5 mins later: Can you die from eating the sticker off an apple?

@CallMe_Dimps

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

@junejuly12

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

@CamusOverEasy

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

@heymonroe

14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.

@Mikecanrant

1) Print out all your favstar trophies and fold them so they are 2D

2) Put them on your mantle

3) Invite dad over

4) Become favorite son

@NicestHippo

We’d love to offer you the job
[My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250? tweet!
ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won’t be needing to work anymore

@Burtslorp

FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.

@InternetHippo

[my cell phone rings]

ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening

@GoldenSpirals

He told me I was the “bee’s knees”.
I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur’s femur.
Who doesn’t love Zoboomafoo?