My wife and I have an ongoing game called “Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House” that she doesn’t know we are playing
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
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ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
“Your breathing holes are very nicely shaped”
Flirting is so easy
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.