@frogbunnie

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

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@matt_simpson84

My wife and I have an ongoing game called “Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House” that she doesn’t know we are playing

@bornmiserable

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

@BrassBallsCJ

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

@MissHavisham

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

@_Water_Baby

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

@brittwastaken

If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?

@dlockw21

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.