6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
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Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The asteroid..
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.