6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
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Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
cats when you pet them too long:
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.