@monica_L1257

*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water

*speechless*

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@cottoncandaddy

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

@mister_blank

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

@Xoolun

I was pissed when I dropped my iPhone in the toilet.

Not as pissed as the girl I was trying to take pics of though.

@OMGSoOverIt

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

@Ideal_Victoria

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

@heatherlou_

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

@BeTheCookie

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

@jwalkonthemoon

I’m not normally a name-dropper but Tiger Woods asked me to start his car in the dream I just had.

@jackiembouvier

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!