I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water
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I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
My neighbor told me she doesn’t care what people think about her. So I told her I think about her naked. Turns out she’s a hypocrite.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
“Yeah I’m still single”
• framed as a personal failure
“None of mankind’s champions have yet proven worthy”
• Powerful demigod vibes
• affirmation of high standards
• discourages cowards
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Me (to stock boy): Tell the manager there’s a mess in Aisle 6
Me: I really appreciate this, I’ve just been really lonel-
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car