@monica_L1257

*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water

*speechless*

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@Matt_The_1st

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

@iGreenGod

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@primawesome

My neighbor told me she doesn’t care what people think about her. So I told her I think about her naked. Turns out she’s a hypocrite.

@copymama

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

@Worstwizard

“Yeah I’m still single”
• resigned
• whiny
• framed as a personal failure

“None of mankind’s champions have yet proven worthy”
• Powerful demigod vibes
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Me (to stock boy): Tell the manager there’s a mess in Aisle 6

*Manager arrives*

Me: I really appreciate this, I’ve just been really lonel-

@iwearaonesie

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

@SafyHallanFarah

if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die

@haleysfalling

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car