*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water


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I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”


here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.


Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?


I was pissed when I dropped my iPhone in the toilet.

Not as pissed as the girl I was trying to take pics of though.


Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.


The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.


Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.


Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.


I’m not normally a name-dropper but Tiger Woods asked me to start his car in the dream I just had.


Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!