*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water


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I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks


I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap


My neighbor told me she doesn’t care what people think about her. So I told her I think about her naked. Turns out she’s a hypocrite.


I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.


“Yeah I’m still single”
• resigned
• whiny
• framed as a personal failure

“None of mankind’s champions have yet proven worthy”
• Powerful demigod vibes
• affirmation of high standards
• discourages cowards


A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?


Me (to stock boy): Tell the manager there’s a mess in Aisle 6

*Manager arrives*

Me: I really appreciate this, I’ve just been really lonel-


*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]


if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die


every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car