Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
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I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes