6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
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Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
why isn’t he texting back
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.