6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
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I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.