6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
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One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.