I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
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Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
the greatest twitter interaction
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no