I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
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*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
A leaf blower, but for people.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime