@3sunzzz

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

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@online_rat

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

@fakemikemulloy

*buying beer*

CASHIER: how old are you?

ME, 19 YEARS OLD: 22, I was born on May 7, 1982 at 8:45 am, it was a cloudy day about 45 degrees, Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” was topping the charts

ME, 32 YEARS OLD: ummmm, thirty something? Like 32, maybe 33. What year is now?

@AlexErnst

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

@nyquills

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

@kylamb16

“Cats typically sleep 16-20 hours per day.”

Yes. Hi. I’m interested in the position.

@junejuly12

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

@Cheeseboy22

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.