6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
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*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
#titanic
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.