6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

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9: My teacher doesn’t wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn’t need it because she’s younger.
Me: Get out of the car.


Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.


Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat


Me: Did you look in your purse?



Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…


Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!


I was close to becoming a rap god. But then 1 day my mom licked her thumb to wipe a smudge off my face as a kid & ruined all my street cred.


My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.


The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know


“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.


Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*