@mommajessiec

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

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@Vodkantots

9: My teacher doesn’t wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn’t need it because she’s younger.
Me: Get out of the car.

@MichaelTrying

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

@lazerdoov

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

@karanbirtinna

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

@Sal0630

I was close to becoming a rap god. But then 1 day my mom licked her thumb to wipe a smudge off my face as a kid & ruined all my street cred.

@trustedshoe

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

@BindzBrain

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

@CrankyPappy

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

@SteussieErica

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*