By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
You Might Also Like
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks