6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
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No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Truth
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.