6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
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Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes