In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
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Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
“I like your face” sounds less creepy in your head than it does outloud.
Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.
Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?
Me: that is hilarious
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.