@ValeeGrrl

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

@JordyHamrick

Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he’s not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.

@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

@envydatropic

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

@Mechaniz10

I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.

See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.

@TuSoonShakur

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

@AmirTalai

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

@Mardigroan

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

@SomeChrisTweets

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.