6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
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Lol
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!