I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
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SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
-Do u want the buffet?
-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
If you love someone, let them sleep.