(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
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We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Never be a pizza!