(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

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I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.


[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that


But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.


I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.


There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.



Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”


-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?


-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.