(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
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Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.