I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”