@hpb777

6yo wants to “have a conversation” with the class bully’s parents. Either he’s mature beyond his years or he’s a mobster.

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@whatmaddness

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

@MorticiaKate

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

@bazecraze

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

@SteveSuckington

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

@twowitwowoo

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

@weinerdog4life

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

@notnuthin

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

@ArfMeasures

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

@TheToddWilliams

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

@mrjohndarby

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha