6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
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[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Finally
When libraries troll their patrons.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Who called it baking and not making love
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Best spoiler warning ever
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron