6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

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Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?


Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.


You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.


I failed my driver’s test. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?

I said “I usually see what people are up to on twitter.


Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.


Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.


Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.


BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt


Idea: spotify notifies ur friends when they think ur sad like “josh listened to Deja Entendu 30 times this week, Maybe buy him ice cream?”


“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”