@MarfSalvador

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

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@mydmac

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

@JimGaffigan

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

@SoulYodeler

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

@iGreenMonk

I failed my driver’s test. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?

I said “I usually see what people are up to on twitter.

@duplicitron

Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.

@AngryRaccoon2

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

@jackiembouvier

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

@QwertyJones3

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

@Jawwwwwsh

Idea: spotify notifies ur friends when they think ur sad like “josh listened to Deja Entendu 30 times this week, Maybe buy him ice cream?”

@SteveSuckington

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”