6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
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*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Thursday Thought.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Erm I’m gonna say no
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what