6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
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“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.