@mommajessiec

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

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@carlyken

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

@jameshamblin

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

@nayele18

You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.

@maughammom

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

@GingerHotDish

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

@DanMentos

BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old

@Dutch_50

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

@HeyZeus666

I don’t suffer insomnia like most tweeters do.

I always get a solid 7, maybe 8 minutes of sleep every night.