6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
You Might Also Like
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.