6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.


Me: Thank you.

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Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.


“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago


You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.


Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.


What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.


BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old


I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.


I don’t suffer insomnia like most tweeters do.

I always get a solid 7, maybe 8 minutes of sleep every night.