6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
You Might Also Like
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?