Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
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What a beautiful day! The sun’s shining, the birds are singing, the neighbor’s dog is taking a huge crap on my lawn…
“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”
-did you just read that off your hand?
“Hey! You’re not blind!”
E-incense to mask e-joint e-odor.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa