ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Hot girl: hi
Me: are you a cop?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Coworker: What’s so funny
Cw: Oh! I’m on there, what’s your @
M: I meant twizzlers..
Cw: You’re looking at your phone.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
waiter: and for you sir?
me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is