6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
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I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Don’t talk down to me
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family