6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
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Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Well well well…
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I am having an out of money experience.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf