7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
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Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
😬
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.