7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
You Might Also Like
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Imma just leave this here…………
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.