7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
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[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
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Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.