7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
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When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.