7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

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Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts


Me: They were gone. All of them. Just gone. I’ve never felt so alone.
Therapist: So, after the donuts were gone, then what did you do?


A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.


Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’


Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.


Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.


okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?


I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.


I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?


-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful


I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…