@MissHavisham

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

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@junejuly12

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

@MartaEffing

Me: They were gone. All of them. Just gone. I’ve never felt so alone.
Therapist: So, after the donuts were gone, then what did you do?

@Just__J0

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

@thejamietighe

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

@TheDairylandDon

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

@maxi_tea

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

@adamzopf

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

@Angibangie

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

@chefelicious

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…