@junejuly12
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
@MissHavisham
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
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@junejuly12
@MartaEffing
Me: They were gone. All of them. Just gone. I’ve never felt so alone.
Therapist: So, after the donuts were gone, then what did you do?
@Just__J0
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
@thejamietighe
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
@TheDairylandDon
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
@Tobi_Is_Fab
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
@maxi_tea
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
@adamzopf
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
@Angibangie
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
@chefelicious
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…