7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
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if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees