Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
You Might Also Like
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
asking santa clause for nudes
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends