7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

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waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too


There’s this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi……ok it’s me.


My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media


They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*


Guy from back of room: IM DATING UR EX WIFE
BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt


[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me


The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me


Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.


I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.


GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-