“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
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Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up
Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!
[inventor of black licorice]
What if you could eat a tire?
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you.
School be like