waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
You Might Also Like
There’s this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi……ok it’s me.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Bank robber: EVERYONE BE CALM AND NO ONE GETS HURT
Guy from back of room: IM DATING UR EX WIFE
BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt
Me: *turns to date* darling
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Me: protest racial inequality with me
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-