@JKNenagh

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

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@Gupton68

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

@wickedimproper

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

@hamersauce

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

@ThaJawn

Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more

Me: ok…

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats

Me: What?

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up

Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!

@roob_drummer

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

@HatfieldAnne

Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you.