*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
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Runs away from you…
Looks back to laugh at you…
Runs into pole.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.
“I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!”
-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend’s microwave.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.