7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
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I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[eulogy]
line?
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I’m crying im so happy for them
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8