7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

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*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”


Runs away from you…

Looks back to laugh at you…

Runs into pole.


I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.


Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.



-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.

“I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!”

-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!


Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”


My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.


*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch


Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend’s microwave.


I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.