@SamDeLanche

7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?

Me: I don’t know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.

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@Staggfilms

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

@FlyJ_

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

@Megatronic13

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

@TheTweetOfGod

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

@brianbowman73

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

@LeftOf_Normal

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

@GrahamKritzer

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

@MyLife2567

I quarantined with my mother so that I didn’t have to worry about her safety.
PSA….I’m starting to worry about her safety.

@muyrando

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

@Reverend_Scott

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.