I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?
Me: I don’t know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.
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My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I quarantined with my mother so that I didn’t have to worry about her safety.
PSA….I’m starting to worry about her safety.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…