911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?
Me: I don’t know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
40% of divorces stem from $ issues.
40% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Wife: Stop acting like a child!
Me: *hiding in clothing rack*
I WANT TO GO HOME!
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.