Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
You Might Also Like
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
They’re not wrong
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
5 ways to appear taller
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.