@DaddyJew

7: I failed my test

Me: you tried your best

7: I got distracted by a dog outside and rushed everything

Me: happens to the best of us

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@TheHatStore

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

@LittleMissAngr1

I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.

@BadaBinge

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

@mommajessiec

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

@bartlebytaco

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

@HuttonGray

Just saw the book “Marriage for Dummies.”

Shouldn’t there be an “is” in there somewhere?

@robdelaney

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

@dadamantium

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

@iGreenGod

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.