7: I failed my test

Me: you tried your best

7: I got distracted by a dog outside and rushed everything

Me: happens to the best of us

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[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey


I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.


There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.


My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.


if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that


Just saw the book “Marriage for Dummies.”

Shouldn’t there be an “is” in there somewhere?


Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.


4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.


This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.