Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
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how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!