A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
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My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Please do it!
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.