7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
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I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Your secret is safeish with me
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
(yawn)
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
This is sending me to another galaxy
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups