Room with a view.
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Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?