i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
there’s probably a fee though
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?